Revisiting the Desecration by an Insignificant Other

Inverted crucifix
I hang from your memory wall

At the Last Supper
A dozen or more Magdalenes brush their boobs
On Christ's chrysallis

Mine was his Tree of Knowledge
We took a quick dip in
Pool of sin
Together

Nero's cane built me
Cain's wandering limbs
Herod's whips striped on my back
Like Atlas bear ---
While Lamb of God
Suntans his amongst bikinis red!


© All Rights belong to Nivedita Dey, 2015 (17/11/2015 01:31)

Hark!!! Here I Rise and Sing Again..!!

I Awake from My Infernal Slumber
Wasted by A Neanderthal Nightmare
I Cough Up Ruins of My Hopes, Dreams and Fire and Ice..

Resurrected from the Ashes of My Own Destruction
I, Perched on the Wings of Battered Sublime
Shall Soar Again..

This Time With Too Brutal a Vision I Shall Gawk the Earth
And With Too Bold a Voice Will Demand the Rise of Man
Who Seems To have Drowned Himself into his Fateful Oblivion
of His Legacy, his Progeny and his Rightful Mutiny!!

So Hark! I Come.. I Speak.. I Sing..  To Shake You Up..
To Ruffle Your Smooth-combed Locks
To Pinch Your Rose-hued cheeks to Shame
And To Jolt Your Nonchalant Nerves Ascreaming!

Hark! I Come Again..
I Sing Again...
I Scream Aloud Afresh Again...
Now That I have Resurrected
And Am Finally
Awake from my Infernal Slumber
Wasted by a Neanderthal Nightmare..

Deception

You only see what I want you to see.....
I never show you the whole of me.....
The vibrant smile, the hope filled eyes........
They hold a deeper secret sea.........
The airy talk, the pompous walk........
Is there to help you to hate me.........
For no matter how nearer you be.....
I will never show you the whole of me........

Call it vanity, call it pride.........
The real reason I alone can see........
I love you too much to let you read........
The painful pages of my history..........
So the gait of cruelty, the mockery of silence.....
No, don't touch...just let them be..........
One requires a guard against
The horrifying naked visibility........

Wrong again! It won't hurt me........
For being hurt is my ecstasy........
But you are so dear, so true, so warm........
I can not drown you in my misery............
So see my mock indifference and cruelty........
And rest in peace thinking, "She's not worth,
I know I'm happy away from her,
Good riddance, just let her be!"

And thus when I have deceived you dear,
Make you see the false side of me.........
and see you walk away in loathing
I know you are at least not hurt by Me...!!!

Lonely walk, despairing heart..........
Within you hidden, all of it I see.........
A hundred faces who mocked your heart........
Made you blue, robbed your glee........
I tell myself, he needs a break,
He needs a shoulder strong and free.........
So why show him that I do care,
And hold him back with my love's plea?
I am no soul that can heal,
So let me not another sadness be..........

Go, go, fly away to the Eastern sky........
I will watch you soar from far.........
And be happy in my own heart.........
To know that in being far from me,
You are happy, you are living,
You are a soul agile and free.........
My love can't give you the quenching you need.....
So be blessed and far from me.........

I love you too much to let you read........
The painful pages of my history..........
You are so dear, so true, so warm........
I can not drown you in my misery............
So be deceived...!...and only see...............
What I choose to show of me..........
For if you saw my aching heart.........
You will never let go of me........
And in leaving me to my own fate
Will only lessen your own pain........
If I can't afford to heal you, love
Why should I a selfish be.........?
So I show you what you can hate in me
And to your happiness I set you free.........

But I also know there will come a time........
When your weary hungry hopeless heart.....
At last through the deception see.........
You will want me back, you will travel back far.......
For you will want to be with me.........

And then again, I will show you
What I only choose for you to see.........
And push you far away once more........
And from my cursed life I will set you free........!!!

The Übermensch Soul Spake thus...!!!

Another sleepless, numb night spills over to the next torturous day...
I sit in the empty balcony, watching the night sky painfully clear up and wake the peacefully sleeping birds to another phase of their survival struggle. They begin protesting aloud...the drab, grey, somewhat yellow sky echo with their rebellious chorus....and it pierces my tired ears...!

I get up from my seat of arid creativity and walk into the kitchen to make myself something to eat...got to have enough energy to gulp in the next meaningless drag of oxygen, you see... :)

The sun rises on the eastern horizon, mocking me cruelly for having failed to make meaning of life the last time he was here...I choose to ignore.....for I have to get prepared for the next 24 hours of Meaninglessness...that requires a lot of paraphernalia.....

Absurd Existence.....!

A time and space where no law works...The Law of Displacement doesn't work...The Law of Causality doesn't work.....Limbo doesn't work.....Apathy doesn't work.....What the hell works then, i wonder...!!!

May be only Darwin's Evolution Theory.....in a subverted version...Sartre, Camus, Derrida, Jung, Freud, Foucault...all punched in...each in different ratios.....

A soul that is 16 billion years old...
having undergone all the stages of stellar and earthly evolutions through Eternity......

approximately 5 billion years ago the huge gaseous Helium ball first infused an insurmountable heat into this soul...It was young, vigorous, vibrant, full of enthusiasm.....and it trotted off to inhabit the clayey globe soon...
It landed into the magma ocean..got scorched and molten by adversities, betrayals, lies..........the human soul became angry, rebellious, enraged...
Soon the angry soul moved forward into the Pleistocene world...the soul weathered the bone-chilling Ice-age of Indifference, Manipulations and pressure of Performance.....the soul froze...became cold, blue, biting...finally buried under sheets of ice, she was fossilized and lay as cold as Death until the post-glacial period meaninglessly thawed her and brought her back to the same Meaningless life...
but thanks to the Nietzchian God, her meaningless journey had to continue.....
and so came the Stone Age...and the cold and angry soul underwent her next evolution.....
she changed from a de-fossilized figurine to a stone-black figure.....hard, mechanic, rolling down the cliffs eternally.....perhaps the Myth of Sisyphus began then.....the meaningless toil of the human soul carrying the boulder up the mountain incline, painstakingly, to place it on the Mount of Hope, Warmth, New Beginnings...but every time the Sisyphus-Soul would reach the top, human despair, coldness and the cruel mockery of history repeating itself would push the boulder down the incline.....the human soul grew desperate and tired and decided to take some helping hands.....
so the soul joined hands with human civilization.....and Jung happened...walking a million meaningless journeys together seeded the old fatigued soul with the collective racial consciousness of the Dark, the Cruel, the Persistent Failures..............
she became quite confused.....what was her journey all about.....? Nothing worked in her favor...in the favor of the Mirage called Life.....existential questions began maddening her...until accidentally the soul bumped into Sartre..............
all her questions were answered...all dilemmas put to rest........all hopes and search for meaning out rightly negated...........and then she was transformed into the Übermensch................

This morning, the dog-tired, Eternity-old soul of the Übermensch prays to, no, not the deaf Heavens, but to the immortal soul of Sartre..........asking for more strength and faith in facing the Nihilism, the utter Meaninglessness of it all, the absolute decadence of 'life'.............but 'life' and the soul, have to move on.......

Blinded by unspoken pain.....diseased with despair.....numbing the aching memory into forced Oblivion.....
the soul, as old as the Universe, travels on........through the Eternal Sea of Meaninglessness........the never-ending Night of Nihilism...........the Utter Absurdity of all existential efforts............

and I chide her..."What the heck? You knew it from the very beginning, didn't you? the destined doom of all glorious dreams? Then why cry now? Why feel pained? Why lament?"
and my 6 billion years old, wise soul calmly replies, "The tears are are water to irrigate the inner-soil........the pain my yoke to till the creative field ........the lament my inspiration........to produce a new work of creation........and thus to make a Meaningless Meaning out of the Absurd........till I breathe my last.....for you see, I am the Übermensch...........I have to toil on............in search of a Meaningful Existence........though there may be none, whatsoever...........I am the Übermensch...........I have to dream on..........in spite of the utter Nihilism.........I am the Übermensch.............I am destined to breathe on.................."

The Book of Genesis - Revisited and Rewritten

Silence is what I have for others...

Inner monologues...words...only for myself...

I am a tongue of many words...and yet, strangely enough...right now...I am fearing words...

Gripped by a sudden fear of, quite unconsciously, and yet quite shamefully, subverting the Unspeakable and yet, the unforgettable Experience, destroying its essence through inadequate Expressions...

fearing, Words, if used as a vehicle, may, and will surely, transport the Glorious to the mundane...


and so, Silence I choose...

Pregnant, throbbing Silence...
A paradoxical Silence...filled with a thousand words the memory refuses to let go of...insists on basking in...


Those words keep echoing in the dappled labyrinth of my memory...my consciousness...


How did they happen...? How were they brought forth with such unprecedented Spontaneity...?

the Awe and Reverence of the Spontaneous Glory...I refuse to describe it in words...to others...even to myself perhaps...
for what can befit It, be adequate enough to define It...? Nothing...Not one or a thousand brilliant words...


So I let them Silently resound within...just within...myself...


"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." - John1:1
...also...
"And God (the Word) SAID, 'Let there be light, and there was light." - Genesis 1:3
I have read that in the Bible a thousand times...the Glorious Creation brought forth by the Word speaking forth the Words of creation...


Suddenly, like never before, these two passages stand out crystal clear before my awe-struck eyes...!

If the Word could create this Glorious Universe by uttering His words, why am I so surprised to find that another, though much smaller, glorious creation was brought forth by some other equally potent and living words...?

only this time they were uttered by two mere mortals...perhaps making their Maker proud in proving that Man was indeed made in God's own image...capable of the same awe-inspiring creative words once uttered by Him...now uttered by two of his mortal images...for His words testify and we proved it to be true - "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." - Genesis 1:27


a thousand utterances...a hundred thousand unuttered truths...keep ringing on like the church bell...within...


this night is Silent...that night was Holy...

because as I muse, strong reflections of the Creative Glory of that nightful of words keep blinding me...in awe...in reverence...in the pure bliss...of that Unexpected...that Unplanned...that Spontaneous Happening...


Words such as..."I know you because ... .... .................." echo and another passage of the Holy book jumps out of its pages...
"And Adam 'knew' Eve...and she conceived...and bare Cain." Genesis 4:1
and to my awe I realize there was a 'knowing' that night too... only this time, one small difference...
"And Serpent 'knew' Eve...and she conceived... and....." GenesisB, 4:1
and as I realize this awe-inspiring fact, I feel like running back to the Serpent and asking him in delight, "Do you realize, you just 'knew' me?"

That previous 'knowing' of the flesh had given birth to Cain... this 'knowing' of the souls gave birth to...perhaps... another Garden of Eden...


the Serpent...the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil...and Eve's fornication with the Serpent...
(and now I have probably exposed myself to the risk of being crucified by the Vatican, for having mentioned this un-catholic doctrine of the First Fornication and the Serpent Seed, which is much hidden from the world, clandestinely removed from the Canonized Bible, and much controversial...but as original and authentic a doctrine as the Original Sin itself...)

and so...yes...they were all there...in the new formed Garden of Eden...repeating history...
...only...this time God could not utter His words of curse and drive either the Serpent or Eve, out of the new Garden of Eden...perhaps because...in this new Garden, this time...the fornication was Holy... for every process of Creation is Holy...done in the image of God...and hence, may be, it delighted even the Creator this time...

and He silently smiled from heaven above...but even He uttered nothing...for even He knew that, futile, meager, limiting, words if narrated to Moses...in this case..would taint the Glory of this Experience...


Words can create...Word created the Universe...Words can build...words together built the Tower of Babylon...Words can heal...words of the Nazarene healed the lepers and the blind and the bent...

But...also...Words can destroy..."I will ascend to heaven," were the words that destroyed Lucifer...
Words can reduce...words can subvert...words can make the Holy, unholy...words can cause a sacrilege of the 'Holy of the Holies', the private innermost court of Glory...and if words could have profaned the temple of the Holiest back then...then it surely tonight can profane the Glorious courtyard of the souls that resonate with the their Holy communion of that night...

and so I shall utter no new words unto the world...and perhaps...even to myself...causing them to limit, to reduce, to make common of the Special...
I shall only...in awed and reverent Silence...draw upon those thousand Glorious words that got etched on my soul...and I shall only hold an inner monologue with myself...basking in the memory of the moments of Glory...

I shall remember...I shall smile to myself...I shall rock myself to tranquil sleep with the lullabies of those words...I shall drink of them...a thirsty soul...I shall reach out to the other soul through them...I shall stand before him in the shadow of those words...and smile...and silently congratulate life for making possible, the Improbable...the Unexpected...the Sudden 'happening' of a Fellowship...a Communion,...a Consummation...a Confluence...a Convergence...


and I know very well, that the reality is - Sic Transit Gloria Mundi... and so...when at one point, Time decides to call it 'time' and puts an end to these moments of Glory...if and when this glory passes away...for good...then... I shall still be able to remember my own Glorious Garden of Eden...I shall still be able to hold on to and bask in the memory of the unsaid, the unspoken, the silent inner reverberations of the same...

and so....shhh...no more...!!!

An Author's Confessions

A guilty conscience needs to confess. A work of art is a confession." had said Albert Camus.

I ask myself as I write, "What are you trying to confess, my soul? What sin are you trying to absolve of yours now?"

I get no answer. Only a stubborn, egoistic face stares back at me. My own face. Silent, nonchalant, unmoved.

Then slowly as I reach out and touch that face with my loving hands, a voice from within slowly speaks up.

"Absolving the star-lit sky we shared...absolving the dappled meadow where we sat and fed each other our eccentricities...absolving the stain on my skin left behind by another hand that once held mine and we walked into a valley...absolving expectations, absolving memories, absolving nostalgia, self-deception, self-destruction...absolving passion, fever, fret, false promises...absolving self-pity, rage, narcissism, fake  smiles, conforming, adjustments, compromises, self-humiliation, journey into self-destruction...I owe it to myself...I write for absolution of myself in the highest court of law - the court of my own conscience!"

Inner Monolouges

Getting back to my dear 'self' after a very long time...

Much has happened meanwhile, while you, my dear 'self', were lost in a trance of self-destruction...

You were engaged in your destructive merriment, oblivious to the whole world, and all the while, I witnessed your fatal dance with Life, quietly...

I wanted to stop you much earlier, but somehow I was intrigued by your sado-masochism...you may call me a voyeur...I wont take offense to that...yes, indeed I, like a pervert, kept ogling at your fake orgasmic Pralaya-tandava...only, you were not on your verge of destroying the Creation, but only yourself...

And tonight, I have come to meet you in the silence of your pain, because I know, now you will listen to my voice, finally...